You weren’t supposed to get here.
Or at least, it doesn’t feel that way. Because somewhere along the line, the anger started to soften. You noticed you don’t feel as furious anymore. Maybe you even caught yourself wondering how they’re doing. And something inside you panicked.
Does this mean I’m going backwards? Does this mean I’m about to let them back in?
Here’s what I need you to hear: compassion is not a relapse.
Your nervous system kept you in fight or flight for a reason. That anger was protective. It reminded you that what happened to you was real, and that you deserved better. You needed it. But bodies weren’t designed to stay in crisis mode forever, and the fact that yours is starting to settle down is not a betrayal. It’s biology.
Coming down from survival mode can feel shaky and raw. It can feel like grief. Like something is ending. And in a way, something is. The part of you that needed rage to stay standing is stepping aside. And what’s left is something more complicated, and honestly, more powerful.
You can care about what happens to someone and still not let them back into your life.
You can understand what shaped them and still refuse to be collateral damage.
You can want them to heal without signing up to be part of the process.
That is not weakness. That is one of the most emotionally sophisticated things a human being can do.
So if you’re sitting in that strange soft place right now, not quite angry, not quite okay, feeling something you can’t name, you’re not broken. You’re not confused. You’re not slipping.
You’re healing in real time. And that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.
I love you. Stay gentle.
— Jen, BPD Unboxed